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Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Heart to Heart: Reality Check Rant

I know how much you all just love my life updates,...riiiight? .-. I must admit, that I feel a bit discouraged lately. Nothing is really going as I had hoped since the beginning of the New Year. I started out with such motivation and positivity and needless to say, it's slowly going down. 
I guess in a way, I compare myself  too much to other successful bloggers and youtubers, even instagramers, to the point where I almost envy their success. It's something I want so bad. You, know I've read so many quotes that make me think it's meant to be, and somehow I can achieve it. But to my misfortune reality is telling a different story. There is always something that prevents me from doing a task or project I've set out to complete. Maybe I'm just making excuses for myself or maybe it really isn't meant to be...?
I don't consider my life to be hectic or busy in the sense that I have to go "here and there," it's more like...I have to do "this and that." My husband works two jobs, so I'm left most of the time alone tending to my kids who are toddlers, and my wifely duties and chores. At the end of the day, I'm exhausted wondering how time flew by so fast. Not, to mention the fact that I'm 36 weeks pregnant. I'm as big as a whale and feels like one too. So, you tell me..how am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to do what makes me happy, and still tend to my family responsibly? I mean, I have the equipment, I have the materials, I have the ideas, I have the determination... but no time? 
Some would say, make a schedule, have a routine. Great Idea! If I didn't already have one,...that changes constantly because kids are unpredictable. Nap time is at noon, well Jacob doesn't want to nap and wakes Sam up. Okay, let's try free play while I go and do chores... kids decide to make a mess I just cleaned up. While the kids sleep at night, film.... well, turns out you're now exhausted from the whole day and just want to sleep. Just this week, my kids caught a pneumonia! Yay, sick all week tending to them pretty much on my own...nothing got done and I'm a zombie. At this far along in pregnancy, staying up soothing kids or waking up at certain hours of the night to administer medicine sucks. So, I don't have the energy to even get up. This month alone, I'm having to tend to the kids, be a wife, pack my entire house, and move to our new place while awaiting the timely birth of our third child any day now. A lot to get done for the end of the month isn't it?
I try to fulfill projects,...I honestly do. For example a few weeks ago I filmed a simple makeup tutorial. I haven't had time to edit it for uploading to my channel. So it's rendering useless in my computer. 
Time isn't even the half of it. I know it takes a lot to build a strong genuine following. I want to be a successful youtuber, a successful blogger- even make money off of it...but it seems no one supports me. Although I get many visits, no one subscribes or even comments on my content. My facebook page is a ghost town,... Why? Am I boring? Does what I post not interest anyone? I do this because I like it, and I want to make my passion my pay check...but how if nothing is working out? Maybe I have to endure this hard slow start. But, the truth is,...it's very discouraging. So the question is, do I endure in hopes of achieving a following, and success or stop because it's only time wasted since I have yet to see the fruits of my labours? 
I set out this year to be my year to shine. I got accepted into college, we are moving province, we are awaiting our little addition to the family, I have so many hopes for this blog and youtube channel..but I'm caught between being realistic and facing the music or chasing after what seems to be a far fetched dream. I have the potential, I have the determination...but there's just something missing. Do any of you feel lost or unclear what path you should be on right now? Stay strong...


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